Dear Diary. (2)

4th September 2009



Dear Diary , there is one thing I won't understand. I'd came through a rather odd conversation with Lisa the other day. She asked me a question , a question everyone is trying so hard to find but only a few succeeded on seeking the true answer for themselves. " Have you found the reason why you're borned , Joel ?" Lisa asked , which sent me into a complete blank. I thought I knew the reason but it just doesn't feel right , it doesn't feel right at all.

I know what are you thinking right now , Diary , but no , searching for someone you love isn't the reason why everyone is breathing on this very world right now. Love is part of Life , not the reason why we're living. Thanks to Lisa , the emotions had taken over me. I do not have the strength to control myself , I could not laugh nor could I be the old me anymore. I've became an arrogant fool who does not respect the opposing decisions , I've became a devil who got mad on his own parents for doing their job , I've became a useless pile of shit that doesn't worth anything.

Well , I dont think this is entirely related to the question of the reason why I am borned. I really don't know who am I or what I've become. I figure out if this goes on , I'm not going to succeed on everything I'm aiming to achieve , even getting the girl who I'm so desperate in love with. Dear Diary , I need strength , I need to know how to overcome the devil in me , I need to know how to fight myself , I need to know... am I really that useless?

Anyway , Happy 18th Birthday , Joel.

Joel , Signing out.



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14th September 2009



Dear Diary , everything is different now. Due to my unsual characteristic , I have less friends , less love from my family , I don't seem to feel the 'Me' in myself anymore. But there's someone who never let me down , or maybe we just got close to each other , that's why she won't realise I'm different. Well , I'm not letting this only chance go.

Mika came across the 7-11 where I was working in , such fate huh? Now , I guess you would know my answer about trusting fate. We talked a little and decided to meet each other more often since we've found a similliarity in us both , Ice-cream Soda. We went to the park after dinner just now , nothing special , just talking about our lifes. Eventually the park was not entirely empty , there was a few couples taking their walk of romance under the blinking stars , holding hands while embracing the lake as moonlight shines upon. Old couples taking a walk with their grandchildrens as the kids was running around , nothing to stress about in life yet.

Mika and I sat down on an old bench by the corner of the playground. I tried so hard not to lose myself again , but whenever the cool breeze brushes her hair , sending a trail of Dove-like scent across my nose , I had no choice but to be paralized , I lost myself once more by the stunning beauty. She looked at me with a smile and asked if I was fine. " . " Ahh I think potato chips are awesome too." I replied. I swear that was originally random after being locked up by her smile and that was the first time I said something that made her laugh , well that's something worth keeping as an achievement don't you think ?

I walked her home at precisely 9.35 , I would never forget what she said to me before she left me back to the dark streets alone. " I had fun with you , Joel. We should do this more often. Will you text me in the morning ?" , 'I will. I promise'

After she turned her back on me , I was hoping she would turn around , just one more time. Did she turn back you asked ? That'll remain a secret , Diary , forgive me , AGAIN. Well , I better go now , I guess I am too excited right now.

Joel , Signing out.



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19th September 2009



Dear Diary , roses are red , violets are blue , theres nothing in the world is as gorgeos as you. As usual , Mika and I went to the park once more , but this time is completely uncomparable with the previous so-called-date. We were more than just close friends , the awkward between us both had somehow dissapeared.

I don't want to drag around as I got excited bragging about Mika again.We went to the park , but this time , we chose a different route, I mean a longer route to have our walk. We sat on a location where the sky is clear , the breeze is cool , the lake is visible , and the place where every lover would like to be with the one they love. I guess my wish came true! Mika and I were laughing of a certain topic I care not to remember because that is not the main point.

We met the silence after a few laughs , the clouds made ways for the moon to shine on Mika's angel-like face , at that moment , my heart accelerated , my hands became sweaty and I feel the temperature in my body rising up. I'd never witness an Angel's sitting by my side , I couldn't help myself and pushed a few words right from my mouth , "y-you're so beautiful.". She turned to me embracing my clueless expression for a second there and remained silenced. I thought to myself that I've gone mad saying that right at her face , never felt this kind of embarassment in my entire 18 years in my life.

Right before I could apolagise for my foolish uncontrolable words , she said to me while embracing the moon above our heads , " Do u.. like me ?" then turned her head facing directly at mine. Hence , asked again with a hauntingly serious tone, "Answer me Joel , do u like me.". I was silenced back there , confused what would be the right answer. Without hesitation I replied " Yes, Mika , I like you. "

She shifted her head and met mine , our breathing was so near to each other I could feel her warmth brushing over my cheeks. The scene was so quiet I could hear her heartbeat , it was at the same rhythm as her breathing. Unexpectingly she added , "kiss me." That's when I thought God from the stars above gave me this chance , I have this one chance on getting something I desperately needed.

As seconds ticks by , I slightly angled my lips to her , giving her the kiss she wanted , the kiss I would willingly give. Our lips met and felt her warm breath against my lips , warm as our kiss got intense. Although the kiss lasted no longer than 8 seconds , but this is a kiss none of us would ever forget. Looking deeply into her eyes , I would go for another try but I was afraid I ask too much from a new born relationship.

I walked her back , as usual. The journey was covered with silence by awkwardness. Well , I don't blame neither of us , I was too excited. Before she left , she asked me a simple question , a question I would give my honest heart as an answer. "Will you still love me in the morning?" , I replied after giving her a feathery kiss on her forehead , " No matter what happens , baby."

Joel , Signing out.