Dear Diary. (2)

4th September 2009



Dear Diary , there is one thing I won't understand. I'd came through a rather odd conversation with Lisa the other day. She asked me a question , a question everyone is trying so hard to find but only a few succeeded on seeking the true answer for themselves. " Have you found the reason why you're borned , Joel ?" Lisa asked , which sent me into a complete blank. I thought I knew the reason but it just doesn't feel right , it doesn't feel right at all.

I know what are you thinking right now , Diary , but no , searching for someone you love isn't the reason why everyone is breathing on this very world right now. Love is part of Life , not the reason why we're living. Thanks to Lisa , the emotions had taken over me. I do not have the strength to control myself , I could not laugh nor could I be the old me anymore. I've became an arrogant fool who does not respect the opposing decisions , I've became a devil who got mad on his own parents for doing their job , I've became a useless pile of shit that doesn't worth anything.

Well , I dont think this is entirely related to the question of the reason why I am borned. I really don't know who am I or what I've become. I figure out if this goes on , I'm not going to succeed on everything I'm aiming to achieve , even getting the girl who I'm so desperate in love with. Dear Diary , I need strength , I need to know how to overcome the devil in me , I need to know how to fight myself , I need to know... am I really that useless?

Anyway , Happy 18th Birthday , Joel.

Joel , Signing out.



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14th September 2009



Dear Diary , everything is different now. Due to my unsual characteristic , I have less friends , less love from my family , I don't seem to feel the 'Me' in myself anymore. But there's someone who never let me down , or maybe we just got close to each other , that's why she won't realise I'm different. Well , I'm not letting this only chance go.

Mika came across the 7-11 where I was working in , such fate huh? Now , I guess you would know my answer about trusting fate. We talked a little and decided to meet each other more often since we've found a similliarity in us both , Ice-cream Soda. We went to the park after dinner just now , nothing special , just talking about our lifes. Eventually the park was not entirely empty , there was a few couples taking their walk of romance under the blinking stars , holding hands while embracing the lake as moonlight shines upon. Old couples taking a walk with their grandchildrens as the kids was running around , nothing to stress about in life yet.

Mika and I sat down on an old bench by the corner of the playground. I tried so hard not to lose myself again , but whenever the cool breeze brushes her hair , sending a trail of Dove-like scent across my nose , I had no choice but to be paralized , I lost myself once more by the stunning beauty. She looked at me with a smile and asked if I was fine. " . " Ahh I think potato chips are awesome too." I replied. I swear that was originally random after being locked up by her smile and that was the first time I said something that made her laugh , well that's something worth keeping as an achievement don't you think ?

I walked her home at precisely 9.35 , I would never forget what she said to me before she left me back to the dark streets alone. " I had fun with you , Joel. We should do this more often. Will you text me in the morning ?" , 'I will. I promise'

After she turned her back on me , I was hoping she would turn around , just one more time. Did she turn back you asked ? That'll remain a secret , Diary , forgive me , AGAIN. Well , I better go now , I guess I am too excited right now.

Joel , Signing out.



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19th September 2009



Dear Diary , roses are red , violets are blue , theres nothing in the world is as gorgeos as you. As usual , Mika and I went to the park once more , but this time is completely uncomparable with the previous so-called-date. We were more than just close friends , the awkward between us both had somehow dissapeared.

I don't want to drag around as I got excited bragging about Mika again.We went to the park , but this time , we chose a different route, I mean a longer route to have our walk. We sat on a location where the sky is clear , the breeze is cool , the lake is visible , and the place where every lover would like to be with the one they love. I guess my wish came true! Mika and I were laughing of a certain topic I care not to remember because that is not the main point.

We met the silence after a few laughs , the clouds made ways for the moon to shine on Mika's angel-like face , at that moment , my heart accelerated , my hands became sweaty and I feel the temperature in my body rising up. I'd never witness an Angel's sitting by my side , I couldn't help myself and pushed a few words right from my mouth , "y-you're so beautiful.". She turned to me embracing my clueless expression for a second there and remained silenced. I thought to myself that I've gone mad saying that right at her face , never felt this kind of embarassment in my entire 18 years in my life.

Right before I could apolagise for my foolish uncontrolable words , she said to me while embracing the moon above our heads , " Do u.. like me ?" then turned her head facing directly at mine. Hence , asked again with a hauntingly serious tone, "Answer me Joel , do u like me.". I was silenced back there , confused what would be the right answer. Without hesitation I replied " Yes, Mika , I like you. "

She shifted her head and met mine , our breathing was so near to each other I could feel her warmth brushing over my cheeks. The scene was so quiet I could hear her heartbeat , it was at the same rhythm as her breathing. Unexpectingly she added , "kiss me." That's when I thought God from the stars above gave me this chance , I have this one chance on getting something I desperately needed.

As seconds ticks by , I slightly angled my lips to her , giving her the kiss she wanted , the kiss I would willingly give. Our lips met and felt her warm breath against my lips , warm as our kiss got intense. Although the kiss lasted no longer than 8 seconds , but this is a kiss none of us would ever forget. Looking deeply into her eyes , I would go for another try but I was afraid I ask too much from a new born relationship.

I walked her back , as usual. The journey was covered with silence by awkwardness. Well , I don't blame neither of us , I was too excited. Before she left , she asked me a simple question , a question I would give my honest heart as an answer. "Will you still love me in the morning?" , I replied after giving her a feathery kiss on her forehead , " No matter what happens , baby."

Joel , Signing out.

Dear diary. (1)

15th August 2009

Dear Diary , I'm signing in from this unwelcomed rainy night in one of the two most relaxing days in everyweek , which is the days I get to sleep till noon. Ahh that's my favourite part. I have no idea what's with everyone around me nowadays , seems like they've been consulted by love. I always get this most common asked question , ' Do u believe in fate ? '. Well , I won't tell you my answer , Diary , I'd rather keep it a secret , forgive me . Well , I guess everyone is finally hitting their LEGAL on everything age , which is when love takes over their lifes , meeting Mr / Mr.s Right , I guess ?

Due to my current circumstances , I'm poor and oh so desperate to find a part time job to support myself in college , so love isn't really my thing right now. All I have in mind is job , money , job , money , job , money , sleep , McDonalds , cats. Wait , CATS ? I was just fooling around, anyway I'll run back to where I was. My father , head of my high school counselor , have been giving me a harsh time on my young-adult life , which is why I had a bad 5 years on my high school.

Anyway , my dad is supremely worried about every teenagers soon-to-come excitements , yes Diary , Sex. He would randomly choose a random time from 8 to 9 pm , well to be precise , 8.47pm , on a random location like our balcony with a random lighted candle and a random Yiruma's well played piano songs , PS: Yiruma is my dad's favourite. I would sense it when my dad is going to speak awkward topics by my ears. The first line from his lips would most probably be , "Son, you have grown up to be a fine man , and so there are alot of things u have to know in life.... " and yeah , there is nothing I would like to add.

Alright now Diary , I guess that is enough chatting for awhile. Wish me luck on finding a part time job tomorrow , off to bed. See you soon.

Joel , Signing out.


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20th August 2010

Dear Diary , I'd went out with a couple of close friends two days back and it gave me an inspiring sight when a girl with silky long brownish hair , a pair of golden brown attractive eyes and her pair of Vincci high heels steps into my friend , Jason's open house. Her smiles have blinded the 180 angle of my sight , everything turned dark as she was closing in and that is when I saw a bright white dress dancing with the owner wearing it. Her laughters would silence everything around me as the glass of orange juice I was wielding spilt a little. I got completely caught off by her voice , her face , her skin , her scent , everything.

I never actually knew what happened in the party as my eyes was focused on that annonymous girl , there was nothing strong enough to draw my attention from such beauty. Everything about fate or love makes sence now , except for my father's theory of safe sex. I have never felt this way , my body had butterflies , experiencing joy and love for the first time eventhou I told you love isn't my thing for now. I promised myself I got to know this girl , as a friend or lover ? I will get to it next time.

I got hired in a 7-11 nearby , which is where I'm going to start working tomorrow. But before I sign out under this eerie moonlight shine above my head , sitting on my swing at my balcony with seemingly cute blue sparkling linked rice lights of romance , let me ask you a question , Diary. Do you believe in fate ?

Joel , Signing out.


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27th August 2009

Dear Diary , let me introduce Mika. We were officially introduce by Jason , Mika turned out to be Jason's childhood friend , they were best friends since they were 6. Well , to be honest I was jealous of Jason to have such beautiful best friend. BeeTeeDoubleU , I went out once more last night with Jason , Nick , Joyce , Lisa and Mika. I never thought of going out after my tiring shift at 7-11 , but I'm glad I said yes when Jason asked me out. I wasn't expecting to see Mika there too.

Life felt better when the six of us sat on that fancy swing-like seat in a fancy restaurant called Viva-La-Swingz , wierd name huh ? Anyway , I was trying to stay cool as I don't want to destroy my Mr. Preety Face image to Mika , just joking , but really. I tried to stare at her beautiful sparkling eyes without letting any of the 5 noticing my desperate act , it would be embarassing if someone voiced " Why can't you get your eyes of Mika , Joel. ". I was lucky though , no one noticed , but every second I looked at her , the more i got attracted. Somehow , I just can't get my eyes of her , for a second there I hope our eyes had met , hoping I could smile at her if that happened , and she would smile back as a reply.

Fact about Mika , she's definately a shy girl. She kept herself at the corner of the table looking at her blueish soft drink. I don't really care what drink that was but even the way she inserts the little round and long plastic tube we call straw into her parted lips was astounding.

So everyone left early last night as something came out to be rather troublesome to the football fans , the match of ManUnited with some not so famous team was pushed earlier that night so they had to rush home in order to not miss the opening. Mika finally said something when there was just the three of us , her oh-so-smooth and sweet voice became a my music box that was played in my mind 24/7 , the melody running over my body would send out a wave of warmth through every part of me , I feel nothing but joy.

Diary , am I in love or is this just a illusion every guy has to face. One thing for sure , this is the first time I'd ever felt this way , my heartbeat accelerated when she was near , my eyes were blinded by her beauty when she smiled , the scene was silenced when she speaked , and I thought super powers were just a myth. I got fully attracted by everything related to her , even the most simple thing she would do like tapping the table with her finger would leave a deep impression in my heart.

I cannot get her out of my head , Diary. Lights off now.

Joel , Signing out.